Aloha, Namaste, and welcome back to the Healing Laughter podcast. This is the show where we talk about all things related to self-love, manifestation, spirituality, the power of positive affirmations, healing water, astrology, and soul much more.
I’m your host Katie Utterback. I’m an ICF-certified spiritual life coach, a western tropical astrologer, breathwork practitioner, dog mom, and wannabe mermaid.
Today on the show we’re talking about fall, the upcoming holiday season, and how just like that, like clockwork, I’ve noticed feelings of guilt, shame, and even jealousy pop up in my life. And I know it’s all related to my healing journey from narcissistic abuse.
So I wanted to just share a little bit how I’m feeling, how I’m trying to self-soothe and catch myself and then I wanted to share 5 tips with you on how to navigate the next several months, because it’s not only heating up astrologically. But for survivors of narcissistic abuse, especially survivors of familial narcissistic abuse who have gone no contact like I have, fall essentially is the kick off of the time of year in which you may or may not be dodging toxic relatives. It’s Hoover Season. When the guilt trips and the flying monkeys come out of the woodwork.
And really this toxic season starts with back to school.
I don’t have human children yet, I’ve also already gone no contact, but I hear it from my clients and I see it in my own support groups – when back to school rolls around, narcissistic grandparents and other toxic relatives like to make it seem like they are supportive and in the know, so some will take those cute back to school pictures you post of your kids and they’ll share them on their own social media channels, they’ll send them out in texts, emails, show them off at the grocery store, and it’s all to gain attention.
I had one girl in a support group that I”m in share that her narcissistic mom took a screenshot of a back to school picture post on facebook and then went around telling people – like anyone who would listen – that this was her grandchild that she’s not allowed to see that often and she doesn’t understand why her daughter is punishing her like that. Like just real fucked up shit.
But anyway I was meditating the other day – I’ve been working on opening up and cleaning up my chakras because the root chakra, the base of the chakra system has to do with feelings of security, safety, being provided for, and if you have blockage in that chakra it’s going to affect all the other ones. So I knew that i had a blockage and really I want to heal I want to thrive in life, so I started doing the work even though truthfully I didn’t want to add a whole new thing. But honestly it’s been incredibly healing and really powerful work.
So I was doing my chakra alignment the other day and I felt this wave of sadness come over me. I brushed it off at first because I thought it was related to my period; but then it was still lingering, and I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I started to think I was just getting a little depressed because summer was coming to an end and truthfully I’m not into fall and winter. Like whenever Labor Day rolls around, I find it incredibly depressing, and I do think a lot of that is left over feelings from childhood of the sadness that accompanied Labor Day growing up in the Midwest because that meant the pools were all closing, summer was over, I had to go back to school, snow was coming, and I’m just honestly not into it. I don’t like fall and winter.
Like Halloween is cool and all, my husband’s birthday is in October, my wedding anniversary is in November, Jagger’s adopt-a-versary is in November, like there’s good things happening in my life, but I just find fall and winter to be so depressing. I’m not really into the color schemes of fall so much. I don’t like pumpkin spice. I don’t like to be cold.
So it’s an adjustment for me to transition from summer – a season I just absolutely love and enjoy – like going to the pool, dancing outside in my bikini, playing with Jagger at night, looking up at the stars, I love the long daylight filled hours of summer. The short days in winter are hard for me – even though I live in California now I still need my happy lamp in the winter here because sunshine affects me that dramatically.
Am I being too dramatic? Possibly – I am very emotional and passionate as a person, but I’ve also done enough work, healing work, getting to know myself-work, that I am aware that I am a highly sensitive person, an HSP. So I do feel things on a deeper, greater level than the average person. And that’s not meant to put anyone down, that’s just something I’ve had to come to terms with to help me navigate life a little smoother. Instead of ignoring how greatly something affects me or makes me feel, I acknowledge it, but then I also have the understanding now that the average person is not likely to understand why I’m feeling so strongly or passionately about something.
So it’s a way I can give myself permission now to ensure my needs are met; it’s about tapping in, tuning into my own gut, even if those around me have a different need.
And with this transition between summer and fall now that we’re all experiencing, I’ve really been giving myself permission to feel a little bummed that summer is over. I am allowing myself to slow down and instead of just trying to brush away feelings that I don’t understand or don’t think are valid, I’m slowing down, I’m softening, I’m trying to ask – what in me invited this to be? What is the belief that I hold to be true so deeply that I don’t even know it’s a belief? What is the story I’m telling myself here?
And as I’ve been sitting with myself, asking myself these questions, I’ve really started to notice the answers all have similar themes: feelings of anxiety, feelings of shame, and feelings of guilt.
I can feel in my bones that the winter holiday season is approaching and it makes me a little sad, a little angry, and a little embarrassed that I basically feel like an orphan when I have parents and siblings living not that far from me.
I have been no contact with my family of origin since 2019. The 2022 holiday season then will be my fourth without my family of origin -and as you may have noticed based on the dates; my estrangement has existed before, during and after a global pandemic. In other words, this was not a rash decision; it was not a decision made without a lot of thought, care, and yes, even prayer.
Yet as the holiday season of 2022 inches closer and closer, I find myself wanting to run, hide and cry. I’m still a little angry. Not nearly as angry as I used to be, but this situation sucks. Having narcissistic parents sucks. Having narcissistic siblings sucks. Being the cycle breaker in a family with generational trauma, sucks.
But the alternative? To stay trapped in a toxic environment where I questioned my lovability, where I felt sorry for those who had to interact with me? Where my needs and wants were ignored and mocked?
That’s worse in my mind.
Is estrangement, going no contact painful? Yes. Abosfuckinglutely. But It lessens each year; so much so that it catches me off guard sometimes – the lack of guilt, shame. But the pain of living in an environment where you’re not valued and loved unless you’re doing something for someone else? It was literally killing me. I drank too much. I either ate nothing or binged so I could vomit. I was promiscuous and feared for my life on more than one occasion; I was in over my head and all I did was fantasize about running away, driving at speeds that would make James Bond blush.
All of that went away when I went no contact. Not necessarily overnight, but it hit me a year or so ago that since I got married in 2018, I have not fantasized about running away, driving until I couldn’t go any further since then. I’m also sober now – it will be three years without a drop of alcohol this December.
I own my own business, I’ve become a certified spiritual life coach, a western tropical astrologer, a breathwork practitioner, I own a house, adopted a dog, like my life improved in so many ways when I went no contact that it feels like an anvil was cut off my back or something. Like I just feel like I am flying, thriving
But like I said, it was like the calendar turned to September and boom I hit my fall wall. And as much as I would love to just wipe all of this away as just a severe dislike of sweater weather, I know my anxiety, my feelings of guilt, shame and jealousy, have to do with what’s coming up: the holiday season.
So I wanted to give you some ideas on how to stay calm and catch yourself as we journey through these several months that are just jam-packed with what feels like emotional landmines that can come from narcissistic relatives or flying monkeys – people under the spell of the narcissist that do their bidding for them.
Tip #1: Create a Plan
Come up with a plan for your winter holiday season – you can include Halloween if you’d like and any other birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions that you may have in your life. But really focus on Thanksgiving, Christmas and New years. If you swore last year for example that you would never spend a holiday with your toxic parents again, try it out this year. But it’s going to be a lot easier the earlier you plan it. This is just one way we can catch ourselves.
So come up with a menu. What have you always wanted to eat on Thanksgiving or CHristmas or Hanukkah? What kinds of activities do you want to enjoy? Who do you want to celebrate with?
On the first Thanksgiving that I was no contact, my husband and I ended up not making a traditional turkey dinner because I was like to be honest, I’m not so much into it. And if I want to actually eat until I’m too full to consume anything, I’d rather have foods that I really do want to eat too much of, so we ended up making copycat Popeyes spicy chicken sandwiches, we made homemade macaroni and cheese, chocolate chip cookies, so you can see where I’m going with this.
And then we watched movies, I danced, I smoked weed, and really it was enjoyable. There were moments where I was maybe a little more sensitive or emotional, but it didn’t last the entire day. And at the end of the day, I went to bed, woke up the next morning, and life continued on.
The point I’m trying to make here is that even if it feels impossible to survive the holiday season going no contact, it’s totally possible and you can do it. Just make sure like I said to come up with a plan for what you want to eat, who you want to join you, and what you want to do. Give yourself some options. Do you have to do everything you planned? No of course not. But the more you plan ahead and try to give yourself options, the easier the day will feel and the less tempted you may be to reach out and break no contact – especially if it is your first holiday season no contact.
Tip #2: Block Narcissistic Relatives, Flying Monkeys
If you have not already blocked narcissistic relatives and flying monkeys on your phone, email and social media, do that now ahead of the holiday season.
Toxic narcissistic individuals love to prey on feelings of fear, obligation and guilt because it’s worked for them in the past. If you are the target of abuse, especially in a narcissistic family of origin, you are most likely an empath or highly sensitive person. In other words, you can put yourself in another person’s shoes and understand their feelings, their perspective fairly easily, but guess what? A narcissist doesn’t really feel anything and they know that we do, which is exactly why they use this tactic to control targets of abuse.
I know a lot of my clients and even myself, a big question is well, what if I love them more? Love them harder? What if i show them by example, through my actions, how to love? How to show up in a family in a healthy way?
Well guess what, my love, you’ve already tried this time and time again. That’s how we got to the point we’re at now. It’s not going to work because they don’t think there’s a problem so long as you do exactly what they want.
This is an uncomfortable truth, yes, especially when our abuser is our mom, our dad, our sisters and brothers.
And it reminds me of something my therapist said that was such a game-changer for me on my healing journey: What was it that tipped you off that something was wrong? Why did you find yourself in therapy?
Because you know in your gut in your heart that something is wrong. So you did something about it. And every single person in our family of origin had that same opportunity to say pause, something isn’t right, let me go talk to a professional.
And as I’ve shared before in earlier episodes, I did invite my family of origin to therapy and my request was denied. So at some point, I had to accept that there were people in my family of origin that were ok with the status quo, they were ok with me feeling less than, unloved and rejected. So I had to ask myself: Are these the kind of people I want around me in my corner?
If I wasn’t related to these people would I have anything to do with them? For me the answer was no, so I acted accordingly. I blocked emails, phone calls, text messages, social media. And look i’m sure someone could easily create a new account and find information on my pages, but for me, it’s less about hiding my work and what I’m doing, andmore about not seeing people in my feeds that make me feel less than or that I’m hard to love. So it’s more to do with cleaning up what I’m consuming more than it has to do with running away or hiding.
If anyone reaches out ot you or tries to connect you with people you’ve made it crystal clear you’re done with, don’t be afraid to restate your boundaries and block these people.
I know it sounds harsh, but it just pisses me off how so many people are quick to forgive toxic, narcissistic assholes, and just sacrifice a loving empath, just to make themselves more comfortable or to avoid becoming the blacksheep scapegoat, the target of abuse themselves.
Tip #3: Healthy Habits
Start incorporating some kind of healthy or meditative habits now to help you through tough days.
For me, positive affirmations have been such a game changer in terms of lessening the voice, the power of my inner critic. And while it has taken years, I am feeling the effects of this mindset work now and it’s honestly another game changer.
The voice in my head used to constantly put me down with self talk like “god why did you do that or say that” “Wow way to go fat cow” like just the most vicious shit. And now I catch myself saying really positive, kind self talk like “you’re doing fine, just take it slow, you’ve got this,” “everything is good, baby girl,” and I can tell in how I hold my body, how I walk that my confidence has improved.
It’s also helped me show up more in terms of taking care of myself. I used to think that ordering myself take out or making a nice bath with a bath bomb and fresh flowers was too much, I would have happily done this for someone else though. So I’ve still got work to do on this one, but I’m getting a lot better at dating myself. Making a nice bath for me. Watching a romantic comedy, dancing, or singing because it makes me feel good, happy, like me.
And that has actually rippled into other self care. So I’m a lot better at washing my face, brushing my teeth, putting on makeup, and wearing a proper outfit now than I ever was.
I’m even working on healing my toxic relationship with food right now – like that’s just the level of self love I’m reaching now on my healing journey. When I’m truly able to look at the shadows in my life and instead of running and hiding, I’ve got a flashlight and we’re going slow, but these cobwebs that have kept me stuck are coming down.
So really these next few months, lean on tools like positive affirmations – I use them when I brush my teeth, wash my face, when I go to the bathroom, when I drink water. I am healing. I am beautiful. I am safe.
You can use the ho’oponopono prayer – I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you.
EFT tapping is also great – I have a video on the Freebies section of elevated aura where I teach you how to do EFT tapping to release mistaken thoughts or beliefs.
I have some grounding techniques I teach as well to my one-on-one clients, including using mala beads, a rosary or costume pearl jewelry – anything really with some kind of beading. And what you want to do is say some kind of affirmation or healing phrase on each bead before you wear the jewelry, and then if you do get triggered, you go around each bead and say that healing phrase or affirmation. :And 99 percent of the time, before you finish going around the entire necklace, you’ve found a sense of calm again, the panic attack didn’t consume you.
And you can always journal on the questions: what in me invited this to be? What is the story I’m telling myself right now?
I love the clarity this question often provides me and it’s where I’m often able to understand what the core of the mistaken belief is so that I can work on healing that belief and replace it with something healthier and more aligned with what I actually do believe to be true.
Which is that I am enough.
I am worthy just as I am.
I am strong.
I am resilient.
I am love.
I am powerful.
I am healing
I am peace
I am joy
I am grateful
I AM
Tip #4: Get to Water
Move your body and drink lots of water
Our bodies are like 80 percent water. Some organs have higher water percentages, some lower, but it’s in that 70-80 percent range. And when we get dehydrated, the first place our body takes water reserves from is our brain. So when we are thirsty, when we are dehydrated, it literally is taking away our brain power, our ability to think clearly.
So although it may sound silly or counterintuitive, when you feel overwhelmed, anxious, stressed out, drink some water. Even better take a shower, or take a bath and drink some water. Let the water hold you. Let the water wash away energy that is no longer yours or energy that was never yours to begin with.
Allow the water to cleanse your energy, your body, your soul.
And don’t be afraid to sweat out the toxins, the lower vibrational energies of shame, guilt, fear, jealousy, spiritual arrogance, by dancing, lifting weights, punching the air, doing yoga.
Use your body to release and process emotions. Because emotions are energy in motion. We are not our emotions, rather we experience our emotions, just as we experience jumping into a lake or an ocean.
We’re jumping into water, but what that water feels like can vary based on the environment, the conditions, the energy. Sometimes the water is cold, sometimes it’s warm. And even then, you know it’s like is the water warm because we’re swimming in tropical waters that are warmed by the sun’s rays. Or is the lake water warm because you just peed in it?
You see where I’m going with this?
The temperature of the water and why it was as warm or cold as it was had nothing to do with you, but it affected your experience. Same thing with emotions. We can experience a variety of emotions for a variety of reasons, but it doesn’t have to stay with you or define who you are.
You can experience anger without being an angry person.
You can experience happiness even when you’re going through a hard time.
We’re not stuck in an emotional state forever, unless of course we choose to be.
And this is why that movement is so important. When we move our body, our energy flows up and out. We release the trapped energy, which is why it’s common to have so many aha moments during a workout.
Tip #5: Be Extra Gentle with Yourself
Show up for yourself as your own parent, a kindergarten teacher, a best friend
Be extra gentle and kind with yourself.
Write a letter to yourself explaining why you made the decision or the choices you made, why you’re not celebrating the holiday season with toxic, narcissistic relatives, and re-read this letter as often as you need to.
You can also write letters – it can be a go fuck yourself letter – to your narcissistic relatives. But instead of sending it in the mail or emailing it, read it out loud and then burn it or bury it. Get out anything and everything you want to say – write it on a piece of paper. Because truthfully, trust me now, believe me later – once you get it out of your head and on to paper, it’s like poof the power of whatever it was goes away.
And I can’t tell you how many times I’ve written angry letters about something and I can’t even think of an example for you because that’s how much it’s been removed from my psyche. Like the energetic connection truthfully dissipates, so that is why it’s so important ot be gentle with yourself – especially if you’re in the year of firsts.
But i promise you it does get easier and that is coming from someone who never thought that I could go no contact; like I thought it was going to kill me, or change me entirely. Luckily I’ve just improved and gotten healthier, not just physically but mentally.
And I think a big part of that is just how gentle I am with myself – that has taken time and work; I do still have to battle my inner bully, my inner critic from time to time, but nowhere near as often and as intense as it was at the beginning.
So I do hope that inspires you and gives you hope that if you were considering no contact or implementing stronger boundaries that it does get easier with time and a big part of that is because you heal as a person. You become stronger and develop more love and compassion for yourself.
I hope this helps you find some peace and validation during this time.
As always, Natal Birth Charts, Solar Return Reports, Future Forecast Transit Reports and more are available at elevated aura.com under the astrological services menu option. I also have free content as well like the EFT tapping video, some breathwork videos, and coloring pages as well, all available at elevatedaura.com.
Remember kindness starts within. If we were all to focus inward, to be kind to ourselves, before we started worrying about being kind to anyone else, this world would be such a different place.