A Cycle Breakers Mother’s Day
It’s 6:00 PM
I feel a lump in my throat
How did this day end so quickly?!
Your small body rests comfortably in my arms
The level of trust you have in me cracked me open wider, deeper than I knew possible
You rub your eyes
I glance at the clock
It’s now 6:30 PM
I help you wiggle into your pajamas
Brush your hair and your teeth
I can’t help but smile as you coo and squeal
Holding your face against mine, I whisper words that I pray become your inner voice
You are smart. You are important. You are kind.
Courageous. Resilient. Gorgeous.
I am healing. I am safe.
I am healthy, I am wealthy.
The universe has my back
And I know my Mama loves me
We finish it off with the ho’oponopono
I Love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you.
It’s seemingly simple but the words so profound
When i speak it, i feel our blood, our cellular energy returning to neutral ground
We fill up your bottle
more milkshake for my little peanut,
We say goodnight and head upstairs…
The sound of ocean waves fills the dark room
Our only light source?
The digital clock, the sound machine, and sometimes the Moon
The darkness is welcome relief for both me and you
It’s easy on your little tired eyes
And it hides my tears too
To stop the pain and tears from flowing, I’ll sneak in a couple tickles and kisses
You let out a laugh or two, more when I tell you I love you
Your skin smells so sweet
Your legs dancing an Irish jig
I hold your whole body close to my heart and all I can think about?
how precious you are
How you were born worthy and enough
I will remind you of this every single day
You yawn, stretch, and snuggle really close
The sound of crashing waves now mixed with the sounds of your light snore
It’s 7:00 PM
Fast asleep. That’s a wrap on today
The tears are flowing down my face
I’m not ready to say goodnight or put you down yet
Time flew way too fast again today
You’re so small
And it hits me
I was once this small
The absence of my own mother suddenly looms large
It feels heavy
I wonder: how did my mom feel at the end of the day?
Did she also ball?
Did she fight tears at the same time every day?
Did she look at me – ever – and think I was enough just as I am?
What I first brushed off as baby blues
The stress of a looming surgery, an unknown diagnosis
The pain of mom-ing without a mom
Has never gone away
For the last eight months, it’s the same thing every day
But now I know the truth
It wasn’t PPD, or baby blues
It wasn’t the absence of anyone
Rather It was the love between me and you
Your love is the medicine I never knew I needed
The final piece of the puzzle
My tears are proof the cycle is broken
The trauma alchemizing its way out of our DNA
It’s 7:20 PM
Deep breath in and out.
I lay you down as smoothly as I can
And leave the room, trying to be as quiet as a mouse
As a human, as an empath I understand my mom
Better than ever
But as a mom myself, of a little girl,
I don’t understand
I don’t know if i ever will
There’s a difference between wanting a baby
And being ready to step up as a mama
One is an attempt to seek control, good favor, and a childhood redo
The other is a selfless love, it’s putting someone else before you
I did the work so hopefully you don’t have much to do
I feel so lucky you picked me to be your mama
I would have been honored just to know you
For you are a rare treasure gifted to this planet
And to be entrusted with your heart, your first moments
It’s the greatest honor of my life
I love you, Evie Peanut <3