I was recently interviewed for a Bustle article on emotional abuse and how it shows up in romantic relationships while we’re dating. The article was inspired by a recent episode of the “Bachelorette,” which in truth I don’t watch for this exact reason.
Here’s a snippet from the article 13 Signs You’re Being Manipulated In A Relationship:
It’s really tough to spot emotional manipulation when it’s happening to you, because, well, you’re being manipulated. But if you happen to be on the outside looking in, the signs and symptoms of manipulation in relationships are often much easier to see.
Take the most recent episode of The Bachelorette, for instance. The highlight of the show was Katie Thurston’s argument with contestant Greg Grippo during their hometown date. He opened up about family, his father’s death, and how much he loves Katie. Greg admitted it was his first time sharing so much with a partner and asked her to take the opportunity to fully commit to him. When Katie hesitated, Greg got frustrated.
2. They Won’t Take No For An Answer
Take note if anyone ever says they love you but then gets upset when you don’t say it back. “A declaration of love is never a requirement for the other person to respond in kind,” Carey says. “I liken telling someone you love them to giving them a gift. Hopefully, you are giving it from a place of overflow without expecting anything in return. The expectation of a similar gift in return is commerce, and requiring it for the relationship to continue is manipulation.”
ICF-certified life coach Katie Utterback, CLC, agrees. “Manipulators don’t want you to be able to weigh all the pros and cons,” she tells Bustle. “They don’t want you to think things through. They want those quick, heat-of-the-moment decisions, because that’s one way they gauge how much control they have over you.”
4. They “Cry” On Key
The crying is a big one. According to Utterback, tears might flow during a tough conversation, but take note if your partner seems to be pushing them out. “Real tears produce snot, too,” she says. “Emotionally manipulative persons have crocodile tears and they can make their voice sound shaky, but it’s all an act to get you to do what they want.”
8. They Use Emotional Blackmail
Emotional blackmail is ugly. “A partner will try to make you feel fear, obligation, or guilt for your boundaries or decisions,” Utterback says. They also might hang something over your head — like a conversation or secret you shared — as a way of scaring you into doing things their way. “All of this is a red flag.”
13. They’re Always “Just Joking”
This is manipulation in two parts. The first part is the one where they say hurtful things or criticize you, but it’s your fault for getting upset because they were “totally just kidding.” It doesn’t matter how cruel they were, it only matters that supposedly you’re too sensitive and can’t take a joke.
The second part involves making jokes about you in public and in front of others. If you respond negatively in front of others, you’re “making a scene” or “ruining the fun.” This is a way to get for a manipulative person to get digs in and grind you down without having to take accountability.
If you aren’t sure but feel as if you’re being manipulated, you probably are. “Trust your gut,” Utterback says. “If something feels off, […] do what feels right for you.” The more you recognize manipulative behaviors, the more you’ll be able to shut them down. If you’re dealing with a serious manipulator, though, you may want to begin looking for a way to end the relationship.