Healing Laughter Episode #030: The Slappening at the Oscars

Full Podcast Episode:

Aloha, Namaste, and welcome back to the Healing Laughter podcast. This is the show where we talk about all things related to self-love, manifestation, spirituality, the power of positive affirmations, healing water, astrology, and soul much more. 

I’m your host Katie Utterback. I’m an ICF-certified spiritual life coach, a western tropical astrologer, breathwork practitioner, dog mom, and wannabe mermaid. 

A little bit of a different intro today because the focus of this show is changing a bit. Instead of a primary focus on narcissistic abuse and healing from traumatic relationships, we’ll still be focusing on all of those juicy topics, but from a little bit of a different lens. A more healed lens.

And that’s because I’m healing. I’m struggling to identify and connect with the part of me that first created this podcast to exclusively discuss the early healing stages or experience of estrangement of familial emotional abuse, verbal abuse, spiritual abuse, gaslighting, generational physical and sexual trauma, alcoholism, all of it.

When I first started my healing journey I felt so lost and confused about who I was and what I liked or what was important to me that even seemingly simple tasks like picking out clothes to wear or making myself something to eat, was incredibly challenging. I couldn’t get out of my head, I was constantly asking myself if I really liked this or if I just thought I did. And that was because when you first leave a codependent relationship, an enmeshed relationship, a relationship where there are intermittent cycles of love and abuse, your understanding of who you are, what you’re about, and what is important to you is all warped and skewed based on your abuser.

What I mean by that is if you have someone in your life who constantly makes you feel like shit for liking McDonald’s french fries  or whatever it is, you’re likely going to develop some issues around that food. Maybe you’ll continue to eat the fries but hear a nasty voice in your mind every time you eat them that just essentially repeats all the things your abuser has said to you about liking the fries before. Or maybe you become so self-conscious that you just never eat those fries again. You dream about them, but you would never dare. Either way, you can see that your behavior changes based on fears/concerns about how someone else may see you, perceive you, judge you.

There’s a shame there. There’s judgment. Fear and guilt. And I’ve really been kind of feeling that way about this podcast.

I have been no contact with my abusive siblings since February 2019, and with my parents since August 2019. I shared my story in the first episodes of this podcast. 

On my healing journey I’ve had highs and lows and even experienced a global pandemic, but most importantly, I survived and made it through especially the year of firsts – the first holiday season, the first mothers day, fathers day, birthdays, anniversaries, without any communication from any of them. I’ve learned a lot about myself in this time – my strengths, weaknesses, what I desire, what makes me feel safe, what makes me feel loved, what makes me feel overwhelmed, angry, sad, connected – all of it. 

I’ve even had the privilege of helping others navigate the turbulent experience of going no contact, of ending relationships with partners and family members who did not have their best interests in mind. It’s not that I’m advocating for estrangement, I just think so many of us have put up with really abusive, traumatic behavior for decades too long because we thought we had to. We thought this is what family did or we were so scared to be alone, on our own, that we convinced ourselves it was better to be treated poorly than to be lonely. 

But really how connected do you feel to other people when you can’t trust them, depend on them, rely on them?

These past few months I was essentially forced to take a break from recording this show. As I’ve shared before, in October of 2021, my husband and I discovered we had a leak underneath our kitchen sink, and because of the location of the leak, long story short, we had to essentially demolish our kitchen down to the studs and rebuild.

My husband and I had just bought this house, not even a year ago, and to lose access to our kitchen, especially during our first holiday season in our first home, was emotionally devastating in addition to being physically taxing and financially tough as well. 

Luckily for us, the bulk of our renovation was covered by the insurance company due to the nature and location of the leak, but that didn’t make it easier emotionally to not have access to running water, drinking water, to not have the ability to make any holiday foods or Christmas cookies, and it was tough just dealing with having my kitchen table and a bunch of other shit in my office. I’ve had to work from some very interesting and unusual places these past few months and the work is still not quite finished in our kitchen. 

During this forced break I’ve thought a lot about this podcast and where I wanted to go with it. I didn’t know if I wanted to just delete and remove the show entirely because I started to feel some shame and judgment about my earlier episodes, about my changing opinions with the vaccine, about my own abusers, but then I decided to leave it all as it is because I don’t know a better way to illustrate the crazy left turns on a healing journey than to show you all the messy parts of my own healing journey. 

So that’s just a little update on what’s been going on with this show and my life – 

My hope is that once this project ends and there aren’t teams sawing and hammering in my kitchen and I don’t have to climb over a kitchen table to get to my microphone, then I’ll have more regular episodes for you.

But let’s get into today’s episode, the slappening at the oscars.

So if you missed it, maybe you’re like Jared Leto, meditating at Joshua Tree for a month or something, The Oscars happened last night March 27 and everyone is buzzing because during one of the awards, Will Smith walked up on to the Oscars stage and slapped Chris Rock across the face before returning to his seat and shouting at the top of his lungs “Keep my wifes name out of your fucking mouth” twice.

Now I know that there are a lot of people talking about this incident, but I wanted to break it down with you because there is a LOT of information exchange happening here on an energetic level and I’ve seen and heard a lot of takes on this incident that are honestly making me quite reactive. 

So first things first, let’s set the scene. Chris Rock comes out on stage to present an award and before he even gets to the nominees in the category, he makes some jokes about the actors sitting in the audience, namely the ones sitting closest to the stage. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith happened to be sitting in seats really close to the stage where Chris Rock’s marker is, so Chris Rock mentions Jada.

What Chris Rock says about Jada is a reference to her looking like the title character from a Demi Moore film called “GI Jane.” I’ve never seen the movie in all honesty but I know about it because Demi Moore famously shaved her head to play that role as authentically as possible.

And that’s a thing that actors do – they cut and color their hair. They gain weight, lose weight, gain muscle, lose muscle, they have work done on their teeth, they wear wigs, corsets, colored eye lenses to change their eye color. Like there is so much costuming and make-up and special effects used to create characters that sometimes a feature or a characteristic like having a shaved head as a woman becomes associated with that character. 

Women who shave their heads then often get comments or earn nicknames like “GI Jane.” In my opinion, it’s no different than describing a 70’s style mustache as a porn stache. Just because the wearer has a porn stache doesn’t mean they are a porn star, it’s just a really quick way of describing a characteristic or a feature for a mass audience. 

So let’s talk about Chris Rock making the joke that Jada Pinkett Smith was starring in GI Jane 2. Yes, he was referencing her shaved hairstyle but he wasn’t saying she was ugly or that she looked gross, or like less of a woman. He honestly made a joke comment about her shaved hairstyle, just like people make comments about curly hair growing, having a pulse, or looking like Cousin IT from the Addams Family.

Now for those of you saying that Chris Rock should know that Jada has alopecia because she has been so vocal about it on her show. I kinda follow Red Table Talk, Jada’s podcast where she discloses pretty much everything about her life, and I had no idea she was suffering from alopecia.

Truthfully I don’t follow Red Table Talk religiously, but I’ve heard about the show because one of the top narcissistic abuse experts Dr. Ramani Dursuvula has been on that show a handful of times and she was also the psychologist who worked with Will on his apology to the actress who originally played Aunt Viv on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air that he essentially had fired, and I believe Dr. Ramani mediated a session between Will and Jada when it came out that Jada had had a relationship with some other actor in the past few years and made a comment about not being able to love anyone as much as she loved Tupac.

All of this to say that even though I am familiar with Jada’s podcast, I still didn’t know about her alopecia, and when watching the Oscars red carpet, I too made a joke to my husband about Jada looking like GI Jane. It wasn’t meant to be mean, like I said, it was a low-hanging fruit kind of joke that really felt harmless in nature because it wasn’t a put-down from where I’m sitting.

Now let’s break this joke comment down further – even if Chris Rock knew Jada had alopecia and still made that joke, even if he tried to clear the joke with Jada beforehand and she had told him no, I’m too sensitive about my health condition, please leave my hair alone, there is no reason, no excuse for Will to have hit Chris period, let alone on stage at the Oscars.

When Will heard the joke from Chris, his first reaction was to laugh. We all saw it – it’s’ on film. It’s on social media, it’s everywhere. We also see that Jada was essentially pissed at Chris’ joke, so we can assume the minute Will’s eyes meet Jada’s eyes after the joke is said, that Will is told energetically through Jada’s facial expressions and body language that he needs to fix this. 

We can assume that Will saw a fragility in his wife’s eyes at that minute that made him burst out of his seat, get up onto the Oscars stage, walk 50 feet or so toward Chris Rock, slap him, walk back to his seat, and then shout at the top of his lungs – twice – keep my wife’s name out of your fucking mouth. 

But what Will didn’t see is that the minute he made his wife the victim, himself the rescuer, and Chris Rock the abuser, he formed a self-sabotage spiral triangle. 

By putting Jada in the victim’s corner, Will essentially ignored all of his hurt feelings, all of the times he’s been emasculated by Jada, and used that energy as fuel to become Jada’s rescuer.

As a rescuer, Will became blinded by Jada’s actions and was solely focused on Chris Rock’s wrong – making fun of his wife’s illness.

But as soon as Will hit Chris Rock and became physically abusive, the triangle shifted. Chris Rock was no longer the abuser, it was Will. Chris Rock was the victim. In Will’s mind, Jada could have been the rescuer, she was the reason WIll believed Chris deserved to be hit.

But when we engage with another we form an energetic contract. When someone responds with aggression or anger, if we respond in kind with that same kind of consciousness, we are operating at that same level. We are agreeing to enter into a low vibrational contract when we react that way.

If we take the time to respond instead of reacting, we choose how we enter into an energetic contract. If we are invited into an energetic contract filled with anger, fear, greed, apathy, we can choose not to respond that way but instead with love, compassion, understanding, peace, joy.

Will’s win for best actor is completely overshadowed now by this slappening. In my opinion, Will should have been disqualified for best actor the minute he slapped Chris Rock.

Because awarding someone minutes after they acted in such an abusive manner? That’s troubling for so many reasons.

Not only does it glamorize physical abuse, Will Smith just sent a message out into the world that it’s ok to hit someone if you’re standing up for someone else or for yourself. 

If you’re listening to this podcast, then you likely already know that abusers already tell you that you deserved to be hit when they hit you. They have an encyclopedia of reasons why they are allowed to treat you like shit and not feel remorseful or apologetic at all.

And when Will Smith gave his acceptance speech, this is what I heard between the lines. That Chris Rock deserved to be hit in Will Smith’s view because Will Smith is having a hard time and he needs to protect his family.

BULL SHIT

This makes me angry because I’ve literally had worse things said to me and I didn’t hit anyone. I’ve watched my husband get harassed and bullied, I’ve watched grown men try to pick fights with my husband and he chose peace. 

If Will would have held Jada’s hand after Chris Rock’s comments and then shared during his acceptance speech that his wife has alopecia and bravely decided to shave her head, Will Smith’s actions would have had such power behind them – more power than any slap would do. But instead, he chose violence. His ego allowed him to be swallowed by the cycle of self sabotage. 

Now instead of being remembered and celebrated for his win, for his talent, Will Smith may lose his membership with the Academy of Performing Artists that puts on the Oscars, the academy whose membership is required in order to attend or be nominated for an Oscar. In other words, he’s taking a career hit.

He’s likely also experiencing social backlash. I don’t know him personally but I’m questioning why I ever watched the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, especially now that I know he had the original AUnt Viv removed from the show because he was a narcissistic asshole. 

It doesn’t make me want to watch the Aladdin remake, or listen to any of his 90s hits like the WIld Wild West Song or the Welcome to Miami song. 

Will clearly has issues in his relationship with Jada. It’s not really for me to discuss and I don’t know everything that’s going on – but it wouldn’t surprise me if we see the end of Will and Jada’s relationship in the next few years. He doesn’t seem ok with having an open relationship and my own heart hurts when Jada talks about loving other men more than Will or in ways she would never/could never love Will. 

While not all of us will have the opportunity to slap someone on stage at the Oscars, this slappening moment really is a teachable opportunity when it comes to the victim mindset, the power of the ego, the dangers of the self-sabotage cycle, and why self-love really is the key to healing for all of us. 

I know in my personal life, I’ve been estranged for 3 years and I caught myself thinking that I deserved aka should get a free pass for being standoffish or controlling around certain events because this traumatic experience happened to me. But then I caught myself, I heard myself, and I had a question for myself: At what point was I no longer entitled to a free pass? How many years was I going to say I was estranged?

Was I going to be 80 and still holding myself in this victim mentality mindset where I believed other people should feel sorry for me and allow me to act like a 2-year-old having a tantrum because I had to deal with a challenging traumatic experience in my life?

No, even three years feels like it’s too long to allow yourself to react more than you respond. At what point do you hold yourself responsible? At what point can you no longer hide behind your pain and trauma as the reason you caused hurt in someone else’s life?

That’s our show today -. Remember you are worthy and you are enough simply because you exist and I love you.