Hi, I’m Katie

It’s been a minute since I wrote the about me page, and now there are roughly 400 of you subscribed to this blog! Grateful doesn’t sound like a strong enough word.

But I wanted to introduce myself…

My name is Katie, I spent nearly 30 years of my life feeling like I was not good enough, not worthy of basic respect or decency, even by my family of origin, my parents and my siblings. I grew up surrounded by wounded adults who chose victim mentality, who chose to protect sexual abusers over their own children, and continue a pattern of generational trauma, emotional abuse, emotional immaturity, and toxic family roles.

In 2019, when I was 28, married for roughly 60 days, I had a life changing experience. It turns out I was also going through my Saturn Return, my dark night of the soul.

For those of you who speak astrology, I have Saturn in my 12th house, ruled by Capricorn, which for me, meant my Saturn return was deeply powerful, transformative, and because it happened when Uranus had entered Taurus, a sign that rules my sun, moon, mercury, and is where my dominant goddess asteroid, Pallas Athena lives, I felt the quantum leaps and losses profoundly.

It was at this time that I found myself at a crossroads with a guaranteed loss.

My family of origin wanted me to leave my husband. They made heartbreaking and puzzling claims about my new marriage and relationship, about my mental health and wellbeing, my use of drugs and alcohol, and they tried to frame it as if they were concerned, as if they truly loved and cared about me.

They gave me an ultimatum: us or him. 

The thing is, I did not enter into my marriage or relationship with my husband lightly. As much as I longed to be part of a loving couple, I didn’t want to just be with anyone. I actually learned that pretty quickly dating in my early 20s.

I already dated the guy who seemed great on Instagram but made me feel alone, insecure, ugly, flawed, like I was never enough. But my husband? My husband had never made me feel this way. He actually went the extra mile to make sure I knew how much he loved me, especially when we were dating long distance. 

Surprise flower deliveries, morning text messages, goodnight phone calls, frequent trips to visit me because it was easier for him to travel and work than it was for me.

I’ll never forget the moment when I realized he loved me so much that it actually made me feel like it was ok for me to love me, to show up and take care of myself.

I remember the moment vividly. 

We were driving home from Jersey Mike’s, I was wearing sweatpants, no makeup, all we had planned for the day was to eat sandwiches, smoke weed, and watch a movie, maybe go to the pool later, but it was in that moment I realized I felt safer to show up as my true authentic self in my then-boyfriend’s presence than I did by myself. Because truthfully before him, I would have most likely not gone to get a sandwich from Jersey Mike’s – 

I had never had Jersey Mike’s before him, because my mom often made comments about sandwiches being “boy food” whatever that means. So already being mid-sized, and not petite like my sister or my mom when she was younger, I felt like it wasn’t safe to eat a sandwich if I ever wanted to be beautiful. Now here I was going to get sandwiches on purpose with a wildly attractive man who found me beautiful in ways I never imagined someone could love me.

On top of that, I struggled to leave my house without full makeup, a full outfit, unless I was going to workout, but even then I still was putting together outfits, and they weren’t even that good in hindsight, because I felt my worth was largely dependent on my external appearance and external validation.

And the amount of social anxiety that accompanied that amount of pressure to be perfect, to receive the external highs so I could feel good about myself was incredibly taxing, and I would often just sit, frozen in my apartment, watching bravo reruns and ordering take out but then feeling guilty so trying to make it last for four days. 

So this was more than a sandwich for lunch for me. I vividly remember smiling as we drove down that tree-lined street and turned into our apartment parking lot. I still feel the body high from that moment, that’s how powerful it was. 

I started to wonder if these moments are what made a relationship worth fighting for. Realizing that although I was complete, worthy and enough on my own, it wasn’t something I saw or recognized in myself until someone loved me so much it was impossible to ignore my lovability. It was impossible to ignore that I was enough, just as I was, just as I am. 

I could eat a sandwich and still be beautiful. I could wear sweatpants, have messy hair, a face filled with blemishes and uneven spots, eczema, and still be beautiful.

Beauty is not a surface level thing. Think about the rainforest – the small spiders, the canopy trees, the frogs, the jaguars, the cheetahs, the snakes, it’s all required for the ecosystem to function, but we may not consider spiders beautiful on their own, but as a whole they are beautiful because they add to the wholeness of the Earth, they add a specific, unique flavor to the jungle, and that THAT is beautiful. 

So when my parents and siblings tried to tell me two months into my new marriage that it was actually toxic, that they had my best interests in mind, not him. I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me.

Surely they had to be joking. Not only had they stood by my side as I said ‘I do’ not even three months ago and pledged to be a supporter of my husband and I’s marriage, as my matron of honor, but I had been a witness to the challenges in all of their relationships. I had been there at some of the darkest times for all of them. And in that darkness, I chose to help them remember the good times, the light, why they chose and love each other.

But in this moment when they gave me an ultimatum, it wasn’t given with love. Ultimatums are never given with love. 

I made a choice for months to keep what happened close to my chest. Why bring other people into drama that I considered extremely embarrassing for my mother and sister in particular? How could they make the claims they were making, ESPECIALLY when they had zero issues with a known rapist, a child molester, a predator hanging around themselves and little, innocent children?

Similarly I was appalled at the lack of support, those I’ve deemed the ‘enablers’ are just as bad in my mind, which is how I’ve found myself in this place of total estrangement from just about everyone I’ve ever known prior to 2019.

It’s been a process filled with a lot of grief, anger, and tears, but also euphoric levels of joy. I’ve improved my self worth dramatically, and that has had a ripple effect on my financial health, mental health, emotional health, spiritual health, psychological health.

I started this journey living in an apartment that I had originally rented and cosigned with my dad, but now I own my own home with my husband, no cosigners, I’m a puppy mama, I’ve become a certified life coach, a spiritual breathwork practitioner, a sacred astrologer, like I created my own business, elevated aura, I had the opportunity to redesign our kitchen from scratch in our home after a fluke water accident, so by the way, like 95 percent of our kitchen remodel was covered by insurance. Like my life is filled with magic and miracles on a daily basis. 

While I’m fully aware my healing journey will be lifelong, I’m gonna keep going with it. Estrangement and all.

It’s a choice I’m making because I’ve had a taste of what it’s like to be completely, madly in love with myself.

To know what it’s like to let go of the victim mindset and embrace everything that has happened with gratitude because it has led me to where I am now and has shaped me into the person I am today and I am obsessed with her.

And as I tap further into my highest self, the best version of me, I ask myself if she would be bothered or hung up on people who couldn’t or wouldn’t see her worth, people who made her feel she was difficult to love? 

Most of the time my highest self just laughs at that question because she is so unfazed by those who couldn’t handle or appreciate the way she sparkles that the question seems silly. Of course those people don’t even register in her mind.

I would love to help you find that same level of self love through one of my 1:1 coaching programs and/or a 1:1 astrology consultation.