I was recently quoted in an article by Rebecca Zung offering tips on how to communicate with a narcissistic ex-spouse when you are trying to co-parent.
Check out my response below! For the full article, please visit this link here!
Grey rock and parallel parenting
Whenever you are unable to completely cut ties with a narcissist, say if you have children together, it’s important to practice grey rock and parallel parenting.
With grey rock, you don’t show any emotion. When the narcissist engages with you – if they rage in your face, if they start sharing a sob story with you about their finances, or if they try to trigger you in any way, you want to remain calm and expressionless. This technique will essentially let the narcissist know that you are no longer willing to play their games and act as a narcissistic source of supply.
Narcissists are fueled by triggering other people –especially when they can get a normally level-minded person to overreact. So when it comes to your children, practice parallel parenting. If your ex-partner and you agreed to pay for your children’s college, you’ll likely have to interact with your narcissistic ex from time to time. When you have to communicate, focus only on the task at hand.
So for example, with paying for your child’s college, you may need financial information from your ex in order to fill out the financial aid paperwork, known as the FAFSA. You may have to discuss how you’re divvying up the payments, etc. Your narcissist ex is likely going to make this difficult for you so if they start raging in a text or on the phone to you – bring it back to the topic you’re discussing (the FAFSA) and use the grey rock technique.
It may be emotionally draining but remember you are doing this for your children. When you receive a text or an email from your narcissistic ex, it may be riddled with accusations that anger you, frustrate you, and leave you in tears. For this reason, it’s highly encouraged to not have a conversation over the phone. You’ll want a written record of what was said by you and your ex.
And most importantly – leave the children out of it. Your narcissistic ex may try to bring the kids into the discussion. If that happens, grey rock and let your children know that you love and support them, and you have their back. Children are incredibly smart and are likely to pick up on the toxic dynamics in your relationship. Your children may also be picking up cues that their narcissistic parent doesn’t have their best interest in mind either.