Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are once again dominating the headlines. This time it’s because of the content Harry included in his new autobiography, “Spare” which was publicly released in January 2023. However, the media has had copies of this tell-all book for quite some time and Harry has started to make the rounds of television interviews. Harry and Meghan also released a 6-part Netflix documentary series about their departure from the Royal Family at the end of 2022, which I recently watched and enjoyed immensely.
I had no intention of commenting further than I already have on Harry and Meghan, but I started to hear things like “why is Harry revealing so many personal details about his family? Didn’t he ask for privacy?” followed by a bunch of chuckles and eyerolls. And it honestly pissed me off because so much of their story feels like my own story.
Like Harry and Meghan, I fell madly in love with someone in 2016. By 2017 we were engaged and in 2018 we got married. I never in a million years thought that I would live a life separate from my family of origin, but my marriage essentially ended my relationship with my father, my mother, my four siblings, my aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews, with the exception of one or two people.
Am I a royal or an actress, no. But it was my wedding where I realized how little my family of origin loved me for who I am as a person, an individual. Their love for me was really more based on what I could do for them, how I could pump them up and make them feel like Gods.
You can listen to a little bit of my story in episodes 1 and 2 of the Healing Laughter podcast.
What I found so refreshing about Harry and Meghan’s story is the level of honesty. That’s really all I wanted anyone to be when things got messy. But instead of telling the truth, I watched people bury their heads in the sand, spread harmful rumors, and sit silently while the world around me crumbled.
Like Harry and William are not besties even though they are brothers, I grew up having a very complicated relationship with my younger sister.
Truth be told, my younger sister is one of the biggest bullies I have ever encountered in my life. Regardless of whether she grew to be that way because of our parents’ emotional immaturity, narcissism, generational trauma, or alcoholism is no longer an excuse. She’s a fucking high school teacher, a coach, an adult. So while I’m aware that there are people who fully believe that my husband put some sort of spell on me and caused this rift between us, the truth is that his unconditional love just gave me a back bone to say what I had always felt. My sister is not a good person. And truth be told, it’s a lot harder to gaslight someone when there’s someone who has their back and can validate your memory, which is again, what happened in my case.
I was always so afraid to be alone, but I never felt like I quite belonged in my family of origin. I wasn’t sure that the problem was my family of origin, I didn’t know if I was too sensitive, too angry, too emotional, like I was constantly believing I was too much, not enough because that was the message my parents and siblings were constantly telling me.
A couple years ago I would have gone into example after example at this point, but if I’ve learned anything from sharing my own story, watching Britney Spears, Harry and Meghan, and even Johnny Depp tell their story, I’ve learned that if someone doesn’t like you, they will never believe you – regardless of the evidence you provide.
And another thing is perception. When you’re dealing with a narcissist, which is usually what happens with generational trauma, there’s layers of psychopathy. And that essentially means that the abuser will find the things that are most painful to the target of abuse and will use those things against them. So when you’re sharing your story of the abuse you experienced, sometimes you appear to be almost whining and complaining about the smallest of things because to someone else what happened may not be a big deal, or they are being abused themselves and are still under the abusive FOG.
I understand why Harry and Meghan want to speak up and share their version of events, because I have felt similarly. And like Harry and Meghan, I didn’t understand why my side of the story was viewed so harshly.
I had relatives email me and say that I was damaging their lives, harming their name, damaging their business by sharing the truth, my truth, my life, of things that really fucking happened. I wholeheartedly disagree but I’ve also realized that the more I fought to get people to understand my side, the less and less people seemed to pay attention or empathize with me.
I also reached a point where I just didn’t want to talk about people who are not good people anymore because I don’t want that energy around me. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life talking about coulda, shoulda, woulda. I want to live a fuck-yes life that turns me on and leaves my body tingling and buzzing with excitement and love.
And I think that’s what Harry and Meghan want. For people to know their truth, their side of the story, so they can know in their hearts they did everything they could to get people in their family in particular to understand what exactly happened and how they were affected, hurt, etc. Because it doesn’t exactly seem like any member of the Royal Family is putting themselves in Harry and Meghan’s shoes, just like no one in my family of origin put themselves in my shoes.
Like how dare you try to tell me about my relationship when no one asked you. And I never told you my two-cents about your relationships.
If anything good comes out of Harry and Meghan sharing their story I hope it’s this: When there is a conflict or even a joyful occasion, it is so important to get the details from those who actually experienced what happened, and to not spread gossip or rumors.
You never know – even in a family of origin – who truly has your back until things get messy. And those who stand behind you, who don’t believe the chatter mill, who come to you first to get the truth, those are the people you want to surround yourself with.